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Read BlogA spouse or partner can be a primary source of support to a cancer survivor. However, if communication begins to break down, it can be stressful and result in low levels of support for both.
While the cancer journey can be emotionally challenging for survivors, it can also be hard on loved ones. In some cases, a caregiver may experience more emotional distress than the one with cancer. Both partners may have strong emotions such as fear, anger and guilt. Stress is also common. A decline in the physical or emotional status of either may create a "cycle of distress" for the couple. If this happens, one person's distress also affects the other. High levels of emotional distress can strain the relationship. Good communication may be the most effective strategy for breaking this cycle. It may also improve the quality of life for both.
The cancer experience can be a time that enriches and strengthens the relationship. A partner can play a large role in shaping the emotional experience of the survivor to the experiences of cancer and life after treatment. Research shows that those who feel they have support from their partners are more likely to focus on the positive aspects of their cancer journey. This can improve their quality of life.
There may be a number of reasons why it can be difficult for those with cancer to communicate with their partners.
A partner's negative response may discourage open communication. Research shows that a person is negatively affected if his or her partner uses criticism, withdrawal or acts uncomfortable when talking about the cancer experience. Emotional problems can result and a cycle of distress may occur in the relationship. Negative responses from partners include:
It can be hard for those with cancer to ask for help. This is particularly true if the survivor has always been the one to help others. Some may continue to try to do tasks that have become too emotionally or physically challenging.
Worries about stress on their partners. Those with cancer may feel guilty about asking partners to take on new roles and responsibilities. They may be concerned that a partner is as distressed (or more) than the survivor. A survivor may try to protect his or her partner by not sharing information. Important discussions about certain topics, such as health care directives and financial matters, may be avoided in an effort not to upset the partner.
The cancer journey may require that couples communicate about topics they normally would not talk about. For example, some survivors experience incontinence, sexual or fertility problems or changes in self-esteem and body image. These may be very hard for some people to talk about.
Long-lasting complications, such as fatigue and chronic pain, may be difficult for partners to understand. This is especially true when the survivor is in remission or looks healthy. The partner may want the survivor to move on and return to life the way it was before cancer.
Those with cancer and their partners sometimes have different priorities. Things that were important to them before treatment are no longer as important. There may be a change in the way they view life. Some decide to change jobs or other relationships in their lives.
Sometimes both partners can easily understand the change in priorities and be comfortable with them. Other times, one of them might not understand why these changes are happening or may not agree with them. This can feel threatening to a relationship.
Couples sharing the cancer journey can learn new and effective communication strategies. Even though it can be difficult to change old habits, learning skills and developing new communication habits is possible. The key is to practice the new skills regularly. The benefit is that healthy communication can increase satisfaction in a couple’s overall relationship and positively affect the quality of life for both.
If communication between you and your partner is not what you would like, you may need the help of a licensed counselor. Talk with your health care team about getting a referral to a counselor who is experienced working with cancer survivors.
Seek help immediately in the case of physical aggression between partners. Call 9-1-1 if you are in immediate physical danger. You can also get help from a crisis intervention specialists, mental health professional or legal professional.
Before you can work on improving communication with your partner, you need to understand the patterns. You will need to identify areas that need to be changed because of the cancer experience.
Men and women generally communicate very differently. Men may want to try to solve the problems. Women often want to talk about problems and share emotions in an effort to give and receive support.
It can be reassuring to men to know that sometimes simply sharing and discussing problems that cannot be solved is helpful to women. It may be helpful for women to be aware that discussing problems that cannot be solved can be frustrating for men.
It is important for survivors and partners to be aware of their own communication needs and behaviors. Both need to take responsibility for their own patterns and recognize their own role in communication challenges.
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Christensen, Andrew, and Neil Jacobson. Reconcilable Differences. New York: The London Press, 2000.Fincham, Frank D., Leyan O.L. Fernandes, and Keith Humphreys. Communicating in Relationships: A Guide for Couples and Professionals. Champaign: Research Press, 1993.Manne, Sharon, Stephen J. Pape, Kathryn L. Taylor, and James Dougherty. “Spouse support, coping, and mood among individuals with cancer.” Annals of Behavioral Medicine 21 ( 2 ) ( 1999 ): 111 - 121.